‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is the gist of college student qualms with dating apps. Hook-up culture declines while young people search for genuine connection.
‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is the gist of college student qualms with dating apps. Hook-up culture declines while young people search for genuine connection.
I remember back in the day if people found out you were on a dating website, you were basically totally ostracized. Then people realized, well shit, if I’m going to be ostracized for looking for love online, I might as well do it on the free website (POF). But POF basically became the “drug addict and single mom machine”. Then dating apps came out and it became trendy and cool because you didn’t have to actually connect with anyone and you could be aloof and detached and have NSA sex with strangers. Now everyone hates dating apps again. Normalize talking to people about real things in public!
I’m not sure if this applies where you are but since covid it is HARD to talk to people irl. I’m chatty and will strike up conversations everywhere I go. Before covid most people engaged. Since they look at me like I’m grow>ng a second head. Dating apps have always worked well for me though. Damn well.
The only app that people have been hesitant to tell me they met is PoF. Although I’ve never met anyone who’s volunteered that they met on fetlife and you know, statistically speaking, some people must have.
Match Group deserves to collapse. Online dating has never been fun, but since Match Group bought up nearly every dating app, they’ve all become very homogeneous and outrageously more expensive.
Were people really using dating apps in college that often? It’s pretty easy to meet people when in a hool when you’re around a bunch of 18 to 22 year olds all the time
Probably never should have tried to make money off hook up apps in the first place. When you have a rotten business idea, eventually the house of cards come tumbling down. I’m surprised it took this long.
Grindr was fine from what I hear. But it had a unique way to succeed. Horny men want horny men right now. It was an evolution of cruising not of dating.
The rest? Yeah I meet people in person for a reason.
Yeah and honestly ironically I think such an app could also have success with lesbians if it wasn’t for the fact that it would include a lot of “surprise my boyfriend wants to join/watch”. I know plenty of women who want casual sex with men but decide that the risks aren’t worth rushing in.
And yeah not all or even most gay men are the grindr audience, but their casual sex scene is an enduring part of their culture. And it’s because horny dumbass 21 year old men who are attracted to men can just fuck other horny dumbass 21 year old men.
Though I do think there’s been interesting cultural shifts they’ve developed due to grindr. Namely many have begun employing safety techniques traditionally used by women on dates.
And I’ve noticed that part of the queer backlash against grindr and the like is that it doesn’t build culture or community like the things it replaced. You go to a gay bar, get irresponsibly drunk looking for a casual lay, maybe you find it, maybe you find someone who isn’t your type that you chat with all night, maybe you find friends old or new. I hate that our and their in particular main cultural hub is bars, but that’s something really important for community building that living on the apps will cost you.
The dating apps are just a symptom of the disease, to be completely honest. The hook-up culture isn’t going anywhere, because despite what people say, that’s what continues to happen. Anyone longing for a genuine connection are wasting their time on these apps, especially if you’re guy. People need to work on the impossible standards, on the constant approval-seeking/instant gratification, and set their priorities straight
I’ve found several long term relationships off tinder as a WLW. It seems to work pretty well for me. The system doesn’t seem to be working for guys, and that’s unfortunate. But a lot of the pressure on women to settle for any man has gone away as women have become more self reliant. The whole thing has become far more consensual and less mandatory for survival. That’s going to influence men’s dating success no matter what medium people use to find matches.
My personal experience with these has been even worse than the average, because my demi ass just doesn’t find most of the people on those apps interesting.
After half a year of some activity, I got maybe 2 likes, and 0 matches. Obviously I don’t even know who those people are, because the app doesn’t show me until I pay. Issue is, if I didn’t already swipe on those people, I don’t care who they are anymore.
Ironically, when I checked out the BFF section, I got several pings within a few days
I obviously I can’t speak for the OP you are questioning but I’m also on that demi spectrum, if you want my two cents.
It’s not that I can’t see that someone is attractive, it’s just that I don’t find them sexually attractive. I’m sure there are a lot of het men that would agree that Timothée Chalamet or Chris Evans are very attractive and handsome men but that doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with them. It’s not like people go around looking at beautiful art or gorgeous sunsets and think “man, I’d really like to fuck that” lol
I believe they also mentioned that they didn’t find them interesting, not that they found them unattractive. I have the same issue. When these apps are set up for looks first no one really bothers to sound overly interesting, they just want to come off as fuckable and not a murder.
That’s pretty much how I’d describe it too. In my own words, I basically just don’t connect to people how someone normally would. Someone would first experience lust, and then build an emotional connection, once they get through the rest, but I don’t really experience any romantic feelings towards a person until that connection had already been built.
Maybe choosing an attractive photo at a beach, with a drink, at the same place as the next 100 girls, would work for someone else, but for me it’s pretty much an instant no. I’m looking for a person to share future experiences with, not a picture that has been purposefully selected to win a popularity contest
I think I might also be demi and I don’t know what to go after with these apps. I try to talk to anyone who doesn’t look like a serial killer but it feels like I’m supposed to make a sexual impression of some kind to get them interested in talking to me. So if it’s an app where you swipe I’m basically swiping yes on everybody and I’m completely rudderless.
There are some dating apps/services that don’t use images until you’ve agreed to like each other but I live in Canada and the nearest other users are either from Europe or South America (the continent) on all of them.
This is ultimately a big part of it, and it’s universal, not just in dating. Most friendships are “friendships of convenience” and the other types of relationships typically progress from there. But in western culture, we don’t have any third places, and so we just plain don’t make friendships of convenience anymore.
It’s a sea of people’s assumed personas. Being genuine actually makes you stand out.
Feel like you’re pressured to be or act a certain way in order to get matches? And then you’re sad that they’re of low quality? While you are actively misrepresenting yourselves? Wtf did you think was going to happen?
If you’re approaching it like you’re trying to get a high score, you aren’t going to be yourself, and you and the people you match with are going to be disappointed. Faithfully represent yourself and what you want. Accept you’ll get even less attention than you already are. Get much fewer but higher quality connections.
Every online dating forum’s advice is incredibly terrible, and people failing to realize that they don’t HAVE to treat the platforms as a Skinner Box are what I think the root causes of the decline of online dating.
Which, isn’t to say the industry doesn’t bear most of the responsibility. If people treating your platform as a Skinner box decimates the value of your platform, maybe you shouldn’t go to such great lengths to make your platform such a box.
Here’s why your apps are failing. You don’t have proper ratios. When women are outnumbered 2 to 1 that means about 33% of the user base can’t use the app as intended. That’s why you are losing users
First thing to do is to not use neckbeardy scientific language like ‘find a mate’. It makes me think of the way ferengi say ‘Female’. It comes off as very creepy and lecherous.
Go do things you enjoy doing. Find local groups or hobby/card/game shops with events. Get to know people. Become a known person. And be yourself. Pretending to be anything or anyone you aren’t will always backfire in a real relationship.
The big thing is to never go out with the goal of hooking up or finding someone. It adds an extra layer of weirdness if you do meet someone, and a massive extra disappointment every time you don’t. Just be friendly and casual. Things will fall into place.
Okay. Let’s pretend for a second here that there is a misunderstanding (which I don’t believe it is. But let’s humour this anyways for anyone who might be actually believing your bullshit cuz I want to unpack a few things out of this little illusion you’re trying to spin here)
Even as an explanation this is not a valid excuse after you went all this distance to invite yourself into a romantic spectrum discussion and act like a pretentious and victimized asshole suddenly making it all about you.
This discussion was never about whether or not you were ever asexual nor aromantic yet HERE YOU ARE injecting it right there!
It has nothing to do with sexuality. It’s basic manners. sexuality shouldn’t affect your social ability to even show an ounce of respect to the people you’re trying to connect with.
Speaking of checking language: You referred to as ‘we’ in your OP of ‘finding a mate’ and the failure of apps. That’s misleading. And then refer to people as animals: you’re just purposely creating disconnection with this kind of language. Especially if you think that can be skirted under aromatic asexual. This isnt sexuality. This is anti socialistic symptoms.
But that’s if I actually believed you were genuinely confused. I don’t believe you are. Heck I don’t even think you are what you say you are because that’s not how it should be brought up.
Ever.
You don’t actually give a shit about sexuality here if this is how you represent yours.
You walked into this one with bad actor energy intent to troll. And then you get all ‘I’m a victim of your oppressed society’ Because someone did take you at a your word. You’re poorly combined words. You are not the victim in this scenario.
There are times where society does stomp on the asexuals but inviting yourself into a topic to speak as if you’re romantic on a romantic discussion just to unmask yourself as victimized : this isn’t one of those times.
You’re either a troll or you’ve got crippling antisocial personality issues(cuz this is some straight up dsmv bullshit but not to be unpacked here so don’t even get all ‘but I also got this too’ cuz too late! You already derailed this enough to be about you. Go somewhere else cuz I do NOT BUY FOR A SECOND this is a mere misunderstanding. This escalated way too far for that.
Jesus fuck that’s completely misinterpeting what I said. I said DON’T go trying to hook up. Forget that goal entirely. If all you want is to fuck go to the bunny ranch in Reno.
If you actually want a relationship, a genuine connection, Go to meet FRIENDS. If you’re
an actually likeable person people will want to be around you and be with you. But this neckbeard incel attitude is incredibly off-putting, and it makes nobody want to be around you. It’s all self-fulfilling prophecy.
I say that unless you never go out and have no friends friends and no hobbies that’s going to be a massive waste of time.
You should let the other person know about your interest in some way and see if they are interested as well. if the best way to find someone is to do what you’re saying there wouldn’t be a reason for dating apps in the first place.
EDIT: I’m not even sure why you are calling me names when you could not even understand what I said. you used the same derogatory terms against someone else that disagreed with you. You come off as very insecure.
You are still misinterpreting me. And claiming I’m misinterpreting you as well lol. Of course you still have to shoot your shot lol. Maybe I’d just assumed that was obvious.
I use names because it’s exasperating and frustrating to have a conversation with pessimists that always have an excuse. I get frustrated when people act like shit is supposed to fall in their laps and complain when it doesn’t.
Relationships take work. Finding a relationship does, too. It takes subtelty and nuance.
I found things worked out best when I stopped trying to specifically meet someone for the purpose of dating and just started going out and doing stuff I enjoyed with the potential of meeting someone (i.e. not sitting at home playing video games). There was a neighborhood pub I went to when I just wanted to get out of the apt, I was a member of a hiking club that had a cabin, I did stuff solo, etc. Once I stopped trying so hard I actually met more people.
You know you don’t have to tell your boss you’re dating a coworker right? It’s not their business what you do in your off-time. Dating people is legal. Do you tell your parents every time you take a shit?
Dating someone is not a protected class, and unless there is a demand for illegal action or potential whistleblowering, then you can get fired for it without consequences. Helll you can be fired for ANY reason as long as it’s not retaliatory or in violation of protected class
Dating people is legal, which is why you don’t get arrested for it. But that ain’t got any overlap with business policy.
I just can’t fathom doing that even if it was perfectly acceptable. I hope these are jobs people don’t give a shit about or they have opportunities for something better. I don’t (currently), so if things went south, which for me they tend to, I would be sitting here in a very bad state.
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I remember back in the day if people found out you were on a dating website, you were basically totally ostracized. Then people realized, well shit, if I’m going to be ostracized for looking for love online, I might as well do it on the free website (POF). But POF basically became the “drug addict and single mom machine”. Then dating apps came out and it became trendy and cool because you didn’t have to actually connect with anyone and you could be aloof and detached and have NSA sex with strangers. Now everyone hates dating apps again. Normalize talking to people about real things in public!
I’m not sure if this applies where you are but since covid it is HARD to talk to people irl. I’m chatty and will strike up conversations everywhere I go. Before covid most people engaged. Since they look at me like I’m grow>ng a second head. Dating apps have always worked well for me though. Damn well.
I remember people would lie about how they met because they didn’t want to say they met online. Oh how the times have been-a-changing
Depending on the context, my partner and I don’t like sharing that we met on an app either.
The only app that people have been hesitant to tell me they met is PoF. Although I’ve never met anyone who’s volunteered that they met on fetlife and you know, statistically speaking, some people must have.
If y’all met at a brothel or while at the Jan 6th rally, I’d get it. I don’t get it for most other things though.
Match Group deserves to collapse. Online dating has never been fun, but since Match Group bought up nearly every dating app, they’ve all become very homogeneous and outrageously more expensive.
Seriously it’s all just carbon copies of each other.
I doubt the core of this is any social awakening…the platforms are simply unusable due to the amount of scams, bots, and spam.
Also, paid models simply won’t work in this sector. Attractive people simply don’t need the apps.
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There’s more to this; attractive people also use the apps not to actually find partners but for entertainment and validation.
These apps are filled with shit like that meaning earnest users must wade through even more trash
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Were people really using dating apps in college that often? It’s pretty easy to meet people when in a hool when you’re around a bunch of 18 to 22 year olds all the time
They were definitely using Tinder when I was in college
Guess it depends on the timeline
When I was in college it hadnt really become a main stream thing - it had just about started by my junior or senior year
I honestly can’t imagine going through college with all the dating apps around though
Yes can confirm maybe 80% or more of single male friends were on dating apps. I found my wife on tinder.
How wide we talking here?
Fixed.
Probably never should have tried to make money off hook up apps in the first place. When you have a rotten business idea, eventually the house of cards come tumbling down. I’m surprised it took this long.
Grindr was fine from what I hear. But it had a unique way to succeed. Horny men want horny men right now. It was an evolution of cruising not of dating.
The rest? Yeah I meet people in person for a reason.
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Yeah and honestly ironically I think such an app could also have success with lesbians if it wasn’t for the fact that it would include a lot of “surprise my boyfriend wants to join/watch”. I know plenty of women who want casual sex with men but decide that the risks aren’t worth rushing in.
And yeah not all or even most gay men are the grindr audience, but their casual sex scene is an enduring part of their culture. And it’s because horny dumbass 21 year old men who are attracted to men can just fuck other horny dumbass 21 year old men.
Though I do think there’s been interesting cultural shifts they’ve developed due to grindr. Namely many have begun employing safety techniques traditionally used by women on dates.
And I’ve noticed that part of the queer backlash against grindr and the like is that it doesn’t build culture or community like the things it replaced. You go to a gay bar, get irresponsibly drunk looking for a casual lay, maybe you find it, maybe you find someone who isn’t your type that you chat with all night, maybe you find friends old or new. I hate that our and their in particular main cultural hub is bars, but that’s something really important for community building that living on the apps will cost you.
Grindr went through a period where it was really shit, but in the last two years or so it has gotten a lot better.
The dating apps are just a symptom of the disease, to be completely honest. The hook-up culture isn’t going anywhere, because despite what people say, that’s what continues to happen. Anyone longing for a genuine connection are wasting their time on these apps, especially if you’re guy. People need to work on the impossible standards, on the constant approval-seeking/instant gratification, and set their priorities straight
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I’ve found several long term relationships off tinder as a WLW. It seems to work pretty well for me. The system doesn’t seem to be working for guys, and that’s unfortunate. But a lot of the pressure on women to settle for any man has gone away as women have become more self reliant. The whole thing has become far more consensual and less mandatory for survival. That’s going to influence men’s dating success no matter what medium people use to find matches.
My personal experience with these has been even worse than the average, because my demi ass just doesn’t find most of the people on those apps interesting.
After half a year of some activity, I got maybe 2 likes, and 0 matches. Obviously I don’t even know who those people are, because the app doesn’t show me until I pay. Issue is, if I didn’t already swipe on those people, I don’t care who they are anymore.
Ironically, when I checked out the BFF section, I got several pings within a few days
If you’re demi how are you judging people based on images?
I obviously I can’t speak for the OP you are questioning but I’m also on that demi spectrum, if you want my two cents.
It’s not that I can’t see that someone is attractive, it’s just that I don’t find them sexually attractive. I’m sure there are a lot of het men that would agree that Timothée Chalamet or Chris Evans are very attractive and handsome men but that doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with them. It’s not like people go around looking at beautiful art or gorgeous sunsets and think “man, I’d really like to fuck that” lol
I believe they also mentioned that they didn’t find them interesting, not that they found them unattractive. I have the same issue. When these apps are set up for looks first no one really bothers to sound overly interesting, they just want to come off as fuckable and not a murder.
That’s pretty much how I’d describe it too. In my own words, I basically just don’t connect to people how someone normally would. Someone would first experience lust, and then build an emotional connection, once they get through the rest, but I don’t really experience any romantic feelings towards a person until that connection had already been built.
Maybe choosing an attractive photo at a beach, with a drink, at the same place as the next 100 girls, would work for someone else, but for me it’s pretty much an instant no. I’m looking for a person to share future experiences with, not a picture that has been purposefully selected to win a popularity contest
I think I might also be demi and I don’t know what to go after with these apps. I try to talk to anyone who doesn’t look like a serial killer but it feels like I’m supposed to make a sexual impression of some kind to get them interested in talking to me. So if it’s an app where you swipe I’m basically swiping yes on everybody and I’m completely rudderless.
There are some dating apps/services that don’t use images until you’ve agreed to like each other but I live in Canada and the nearest other users are either from Europe or South America (the continent) on all of them.
This is ultimately a big part of it, and it’s universal, not just in dating. Most friendships are “friendships of convenience” and the other types of relationships typically progress from there. But in western culture, we don’t have any third places, and so we just plain don’t make friendships of convenience anymore.
I married a smoke show I met on Bumble.
I gotta be real: you’re all doing it wrong.
It’s a sea of people’s assumed personas. Being genuine actually makes you stand out.
Feel like you’re pressured to be or act a certain way in order to get matches? And then you’re sad that they’re of low quality? While you are actively misrepresenting yourselves? Wtf did you think was going to happen?
If you’re approaching it like you’re trying to get a high score, you aren’t going to be yourself, and you and the people you match with are going to be disappointed. Faithfully represent yourself and what you want. Accept you’ll get even less attention than you already are. Get much fewer but higher quality connections.
Every online dating forum’s advice is incredibly terrible, and people failing to realize that they don’t HAVE to treat the platforms as a Skinner Box are what I think the root causes of the decline of online dating.
Which, isn’t to say the industry doesn’t bear most of the responsibility. If people treating your platform as a Skinner box decimates the value of your platform, maybe you shouldn’t go to such great lengths to make your platform such a box.
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Here’s why your apps are failing. You don’t have proper ratios. When women are outnumbered 2 to 1 that means about 33% of the user base can’t use the app as intended. That’s why you are losing users
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2 to 1? Lol! I bet it’s more like 7 to 1.
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First thing to do is to not use neckbeardy scientific language like ‘find a mate’. It makes me think of the way ferengi say ‘Female’. It comes off as very creepy and lecherous.
Go do things you enjoy doing. Find local groups or hobby/card/game shops with events. Get to know people. Become a known person. And be yourself. Pretending to be anything or anyone you aren’t will always backfire in a real relationship.
The big thing is to never go out with the goal of hooking up or finding someone. It adds an extra layer of weirdness if you do meet someone, and a massive extra disappointment every time you don’t. Just be friendly and casual. Things will fall into place.
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Okay. Let’s pretend for a second here that there is a misunderstanding (which I don’t believe it is. But let’s humour this anyways for anyone who might be actually believing your bullshit cuz I want to unpack a few things out of this little illusion you’re trying to spin here)
Even as an explanation this is not a valid excuse after you went all this distance to invite yourself into a romantic spectrum discussion and act like a pretentious and victimized asshole suddenly making it all about you.
This discussion was never about whether or not you were ever asexual nor aromantic yet HERE YOU ARE injecting it right there!
It has nothing to do with sexuality. It’s basic manners. sexuality shouldn’t affect your social ability to even show an ounce of respect to the people you’re trying to connect with.
Speaking of checking language: You referred to as ‘we’ in your OP of ‘finding a mate’ and the failure of apps. That’s misleading. And then refer to people as animals: you’re just purposely creating disconnection with this kind of language. Especially if you think that can be skirted under aromatic asexual. This isnt sexuality. This is anti socialistic symptoms.
But that’s if I actually believed you were genuinely confused. I don’t believe you are. Heck I don’t even think you are what you say you are because that’s not how it should be brought up.
Ever.
You don’t actually give a shit about sexuality here if this is how you represent yours.
You walked into this one with bad actor energy intent to troll. And then you get all ‘I’m a victim of your oppressed society’ Because someone did take you at a your word. You’re poorly combined words. You are not the victim in this scenario.
There are times where society does stomp on the asexuals but inviting yourself into a topic to speak as if you’re romantic on a romantic discussion just to unmask yourself as victimized : this isn’t one of those times.
You’re either a troll or you’ve got crippling antisocial personality issues(cuz this is some straight up dsmv bullshit but not to be unpacked here so don’t even get all ‘but I also got this too’ cuz too late! You already derailed this enough to be about you. Go somewhere else cuz I do NOT BUY FOR A SECOND this is a mere misunderstanding. This escalated way too far for that.
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“People are animals”, “people are suffering without FeMalEs”.
This is about the shittiest incel take I’ve ever seen from an ace. Shame on you.
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I just wanted to comment that this advice will likely minimize your chances of finding someone.
“Go out and do things you enjoy and develop actual connections” is bad advice?
pursuing your goal while acting like you are not pursuing it is counterproductive.
Jesus fuck that’s completely misinterpeting what I said. I said DON’T go trying to hook up. Forget that goal entirely. If all you want is to fuck go to the bunny ranch in Reno.
If you actually want a relationship, a genuine connection, Go to meet FRIENDS. If you’re an actually likeable person people will want to be around you and be with you. But this neckbeard incel attitude is incredibly off-putting, and it makes nobody want to be around you. It’s all self-fulfilling prophecy.
I say that unless you never go out and have no friends friends and no hobbies that’s going to be a massive waste of time. You should let the other person know about your interest in some way and see if they are interested as well. if the best way to find someone is to do what you’re saying there wouldn’t be a reason for dating apps in the first place.
EDIT: I’m not even sure why you are calling me names when you could not even understand what I said. you used the same derogatory terms against someone else that disagreed with you. You come off as very insecure.
You are still misinterpreting me. And claiming I’m misinterpreting you as well lol. Of course you still have to shoot your shot lol. Maybe I’d just assumed that was obvious.
I use names because it’s exasperating and frustrating to have a conversation with pessimists that always have an excuse. I get frustrated when people act like shit is supposed to fall in their laps and complain when it doesn’t.
Relationships take work. Finding a relationship does, too. It takes subtelty and nuance.
I’ve only ever met people online.
And it’s allowed me to be the depraved slut I am today.
Let the squares go do square things.
I found things worked out best when I stopped trying to specifically meet someone for the purpose of dating and just started going out and doing stuff I enjoyed with the potential of meeting someone (i.e. not sitting at home playing video games). There was a neighborhood pub I went to when I just wanted to get out of the apt, I was a member of a hiking club that had a cabin, I did stuff solo, etc. Once I stopped trying so hard I actually met more people.
And dating people at work is practically forbidden now
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You know you don’t have to tell your boss you’re dating a coworker right? It’s not their business what you do in your off-time. Dating people is legal. Do you tell your parents every time you take a shit?
Dating someone is not a protected class, and unless there is a demand for illegal action or potential whistleblowering, then you can get fired for it without consequences. Helll you can be fired for ANY reason as long as it’s not retaliatory or in violation of protected class
Dating people is legal, which is why you don’t get arrested for it. But that ain’t got any overlap with business policy.
*In the US. In countries with decent labor laws this doesn’t fly.
I just can’t fathom doing that even if it was perfectly acceptable. I hope these are jobs people don’t give a shit about or they have opportunities for something better. I don’t (currently), so if things went south, which for me they tend to, I would be sitting here in a very bad state.
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